I guess, technically, she only called for a break in the friendship, but that, to me, means it's dead. I'm sorry that she's chosen to dwell in her own self pity and bitterness, really, to justify being a shitty friend over the past 6 or so months, in particular. She can say she cares all she wants, but her words are meaningless. I can say I can fly, and I can keep saying I can fly, but unless I actually show you, you can't really believe it. And really, fool me once, shame on me, but fool me 10 times, massive shame on me. I kept wanting to believe the words, but despite her insistence, her actions really proved otherwise. I don't know what she thought she did to show me of this alleged caringness? Was it not wanting to hang out until I asked? And then when we would hang out, either texting other people on her phone the whole time or just the general feeling that she didn't actually want to be there and was bored? Or even barely speaking to me at all, for that matter? Was it taking at least a week to respond to texts, and at most 2 weeks? Or taking several days after christmas to thank me for the present i got her? Or, my favorite, the day I got back from Japan, she was no where to be seen, and was even in a completely different state. I guess I can see why she's confused as to why I think she doesn't care one lick about my well being, because clearly she cares a lot. I had actually dared to believe that at this point in time, months after I got back, we would be back to normal, like no time had passed. No such luck.
And, honestly, I'll admit I did one selfish thing, that, even at the time, I admitted was a selfish thing to do. But honestly, i didn't feel comfortable or really wanted in that particular situation, and I just decided to be selfish for once in my life. Looking back, I guess if I had never gone to Japan, none of this would have happened, but even knowing the outcome, I think I would still chose to go. Last summer was probably the best summer ever. I got to experience so many things and meet so many people. I got to see my three favorite groups, live, in person. I made a irreplaceable friend in Kiri, and, on top of everything else, I got to learn Japanese, so it was awesome.
But I guess I leave this relationship with no regrets. I, at least, tried to make things work out. Yes, sometimes I'm abrasive, and say how I'm feeling in a raw way, which I should probably work on, but trying to figure out the *perfect* way to say something is stupid, and you should just say what you think. I much prefer a raw, hurtful truth, it's more real and honest. And I really prefer it over radio silence, that basically just fans the flames and makes me even more angry. It's good to be able to say how you feel and not just hold things in. Holding things in is how mole hills turn into mountains. And really, if you can't just be there for me when I was feeling at my lowest, not even as the best friend you claim to be but just as a friend, then there's something wrong. I guess I knew from the first day I got back, that I had been replaced and pushed away. And yet I still tried to work things out. This isn't the first time I've lost a friend or have been phased out by a friend, but I think it's the first time I'm not nearly as sad about the realization, because I really did try. Every other time, I just ignored the signs and let it happen, so that the end results left me questioning everything.
But this time, I really don't think this was my fault, apart from the choosing to go to Japan part, obviously. If you don't know how to deal with issues that crop up in life, that's a problem. If even after vocalizing everything that had made you bitter, and I really do understand where she's coming from to a certain degree, and even after I apologized and after dissecting it, you still feel the same bitterness and can't let it go, then there is really nothing I can do about it. I only have so much patience and forgiveness. I am an extremely patient person, but everyone has their limits. And I can only forgive the same offenses so much before it becomes meaningless. I guess, my philosophy is, when you apologize, you forgive and forget and move on. You don't apologize if you're not willing to bury the hatchet. I like to think I'm a person of my word, and when I say I'm sorry, I mean it, and when I say it's in the past don't worry about it, I mean that too. So, after almost a year of being strung along, I guess there is really nothing left for me to do but cut my loses and move on. Starting with deleting everything out of my phone, contact info, messages, texts, unfriending them on Facebook and tumblr (even if I don't really use either than often), and unfollowing on twitter. Maybe I'm a bit extreme in this, but I don't need a daily reminder that you're not my friend anymore, and I really just need to move on, i think I deserve that. Thankfully I'm not alone, I have been relying on Kiri and Megan a lot, and I really appreciate the love they have shown me. Even random people have come up from the woodwork to make me feel like I'm not totally alone and to show that they care, even if we haven't really talked in a while. It's a nice change from the past half year.
And so, with writing this, I am letting go of my anger and frustration and moving on. What's done is done, and it's not going to change, so what's the point in dwelling in it anymore. Life is too damn short to deal with bullshit.
So the thing I was most worried about before leaving for Japan, has finally com to fruition: yesterday a friendship died. I guess this was almost a year in the making, so really it's all my fault because I decided to take advantage of a situation and spend my summer in Japan. So really everything is all my fault, I guess. And, ever since I came back, I kind of feared this would eventually happen, all the warning signs were there, but I guess I was optimistic in thinking that they were all in my head. And really, for the past two months, I have really known that we were past the point of no return, but even unit the bitter end, I still remained optimistic that some sort of reconciliation would happen. Even knowing it would probably end this way, seeing the white flag of surrender was still a shock to the system. I feel like I did the spark notes version of the stages of grieving, over the course of maybe an hour after reading the message I went from ok cool, fuck you --------> crying in the bathroom -------> finally closure, I can move on, and then some combination of all of those things throughout the rest of the day. Honestly, for a while, it really did feel like a relief, releasing that breath in didn't know I was holding. Having a one-sided conversation, and even for the past couple of months really a one-sided relationship, wears you out and crushes your soul. I think, now that I've had a day to think about it, it really just makes me sad that this person decided to chose their bitterness and jealousy over a friendship. First starting out with her jealousy of me actually being able to go to Japan, when she could not. Which then transformed into her jealousy that I became good friends with Kiri, which then is the base for everything else that happened after that.